I QUIT!

I have never been accused of being a shallow thinker. Quite the opposite, actually. Most people feel that I overthink things, or "go too deep". I can't help it. God engineered me this way.

While my perpetuation to dive into the depths of thought is public knowledge, there are a few things about me that may not be. For instance; Sometimes, I want to throw my hands in the air and yell, I quit! The busyness in my life drives me insane. The flury of activity that surrounds me as a mother,a worker, and a wife is extremely fatiguing. I am a bit Obsessive by nature and the state of my home, with toddlers, is enough to drive me into the grave. I wish I had a maid. I'm not lazy. Actually, I rather enjoy cleaning when I have the time or energy. Here's where the problem lies. Typically, by the time I get my boys to bed, I am ready to crumple into a heap. As for being a good wife, Aric suffers for my lack of endurance. He is gracious and accepting of the fact that when he gets home, I am going to eat dinner and then collapse. I feel horrible that I don't stay up and spend time with him.

Not only am I riddled with guilt for seemingly ignoring Aric, but I also feel physically sick, constantly. There is not a moment that goes by that I am not in pain. I have been to the doctor numerous times to try and pinpoint what is out of alignment in me, but all tests have been inconclusive. It is frustrating to be a 34 year old trapped in a 70 year olds body. Most of my frustration lies in not having any answers.

Here's where the deep thinking comes in. Pain is relative. What one person has to endure may seem like a piece of cake to someone else. A stranger, or friend, might look at my life and say, "What's the problem?" A different individual might look at me and say, "You poor thing." I am not looking for either response. The truth is, neither response helps.

I don't know that there is a correct way to look at someone in pain, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally. Each person who witnesses a specific event is going to recount it differently. Life is full of varied perspectives. If I've gone through a similar affliction to someone, I might respond differently than if I hadn't. As a for instance; I am going to look at someone in a failed relationship with altered eyes having gone through a divorce myself.

Consequently, the events in my life leading up to, and surrounding a situation, will shape my perspective of that moment. If I am completely overwhelmed by general existance and I receive a large medical bill in the mail, I am liable to have a mental collapse. If I receive that same bill on a day when I have God's peace and grace surrounding me, I might take it in stride.

Additionally, I believe that God fashions strengths and weaknesses into our character that aide or dissuade in our tolerances for specific situations. As we grow, He may embed tools into us that we will use further on down the road. That is why when things happen, I try not to fall into the trap of asking why. Rather, I tuck it into my consciousness, understanding that God may be preparing me for some unseen event. That part is difficult. The two year old in me wants to throw a tantrum when I begin to lose control or cannot see the end results. The adult in me understands the pointlessness of such a fit.

The point of this lies in our need for empathy. We have all been in a situation that we saw as insurmountable. When we look at someone's life, we need to remember that we have absolutely no idea what is going on. Our perspective is minor and skewed in comparison to God's picture. For all we know, that lady who just bawled you out over some inconsequential thing may be at her wits end. Coincidentally, that person who looks to be a tower of strength may be ready to pull the plug. What we see is not always what we get.

I do not think it is by accident that Logan's Sunday school verse this week is Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." As I help him learn this verse, I am trying to ingrain this into my mind. I don't recall it saying in the bible to lash out and hold someone's feet to the fire. Rather, it says to examine yourself before examining others (Matthew 7:3). It also says to "Love your enemies" and "Pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:43). Finally, it says to be compassionate, humble, sympathetic and loving (1 Peter 3:8). It is my intention to think on those verses and remember that everyone has a story. It may be different, and I may not like it. Nonetheless, God has a plan for them that I may not see.