Not your mama's sex ed. Post partum woes.

It seems that pregnancies come in spurts. At least that's how they happen in my world. The year my son, Gavin was born there was a birth in the family almost every month. Many of my friends are pregnant right now, and it has me thinking back on my experiences. I remember feeling somewhat angry and betrayed by every woman who has ever given birth. There were a list of "side-effects" that no one bothered to talk about. Even if you've had a child, I believe you could still benefit from reading this list. 1. Red River Floweth--We're talking a stream of biblical proportions. In the medical field, they call this Lochia. I call it betrayal #1. I knew that I would have a "heavy" period after I gave birth, but really, I had no idea. It was 6 straight weeks of changing my pad every hour, on the hour or risk a horrid downpour. Beyond this, there was the clotting that made me think I was dying. My advice: Go to the store and buy those overnight, long pads with wings before you give birth. Have them handy because, you will need them. 2. Terror Turds--Anyone who had any tearing at all in delivery knows exactly what I am talking about. When you have stitches in your v-jay that first BM is terrifying. I remember crying because I hoped I could go, but being afraid I actually would. It sounds utterly ridiculous to someone who has not had children, but trust me. I tell you these things for your own good. My advice: stock up on some colace and use it as soon as you can. When the nurses in maternity tell you that you should use a stool softener, you really should. 3. The crash site--Just a fair warning, your v-jay will never be the same again. This is particularly true if you have stitches. One of the aftermaths of delivery is a swollen, sore v-jay. My advice: soak a newborn diaper, put it in the freezer and when frozen, put it in your pants. It will seem strange, but it will help you feel some relief. Also, regarding the squirt bottle they give you to rinse yourself with, use it. Also, be prepared to be a little leaky for a while. Often, after childbirth, women will have problems holding in their urine. This is especially true when you cough or sneeze. My advice: Stock up on tucks pads and ask the nurses for some numbing spray to leave the hospital with. This will help relieve the throbbing and itching. As for the leaky pipes, kegels seem to be what everyone advises. 4. The hangover--I am not talking about a drinking binge here. I am talking about the fact that most women still look pregnant after delivery. It takes a while for everything in the belly to shrink back to normal. My advice: Belly Bands. They can help firm things up while your body does its job. 5. Hairy Carpets Batman--Gone are the days of luxurious, flowing hair. Yes. All of that hair that stockpiled on your head during pregnancy will fall out. At some point, you will likely feel like you are shedding. Don't worry. This is normal. My hair loss happened between 3 and 4 months post partum. My advice: Brush your hair well in the morning to avoid shedding all over the house. Mostly, go with the flow, so to speak, there's not much you can do about it. 6. Titty Pity--Pardon my crassness. This one is a three fold issue. First, breastfeeding may be very difficult. It is all new to both you and your baby. Not to mention the fact that every baby is different. Don't be afraid to ask a lactation consultant for help. Secondly, be prepared for hard-swollen boobs. I have found that putting soaked (in ice water) cabbage leaves in the bra helps relieve some of the pressure and doesn't effect your supply. Finally, breastfeeding is not for everyone. I found that it didn't work well for me. I tried to breastfeed both my boys, but my body didn't respond. It would have been ok if I had chosen not to altogether though. My advice: Do what is best for you, the baby, and your family. 7. Endless labor--Labor doesn't end with delivery. Many women get cramps after delivery. It sometimes feels like labor, because it is. Just as labor begins way before your body says, "Holy side ache, Robin", it also has work to do after the baby leaves. Most often, the cramps you may experience are your uterus trying to shrink back to size. What took 9 months to expand, usually only takes about 6 weeks to go back. My advice: Take whatever pain meds are safe for you and your baby. Also, heating pads and/or heated rice bags are extremely helpful. 8. Hot Mama--I didn't experience this one to badly. Some women experience hot flash like symptoms post partum. This is a natural result of the roller coaster hormone fluctuations that are going on in your body. My advice: Turn up the a.c., bundle the baby, and let everyone else deal. It's your moment of glory. 9. Cry like a river--Sleep deprivation and hormone fluctuation turns some women (myself included) into raving lunatics. You may cry more than you ever have. My worst bouts were 4 days post-partum and between week 3 & 4. I felt overwhelmed, afraid, tired, etc. I hit the wall. I would lay awake at night, feeding my boys, and be ticked off at the world. If my husband only knew the spiteful thoughts that ran through my head as he appeared to sleep through our child's wailing, he would probably have left me. I would get so angry with him for getting a peaceful night's sleep. It was all I could do to not smother him with a receiving blanket. Ok, I jest. The anger and resentment was real though. Not to mention the fact that any act of affection repulsed me. Here I was, leaking from all ends, and my husband wanted to cuddle. It amazed me how he could see me as anything but a human burp rag. My advice: keep telling yourself that everyday, they are one day older. This too shall pass. 10. The mystery spot--I am talking about hemorroids. Luckily, I escaped this one, but the threat of hemorroids did not help my turd terror. I was just sure I would accidently strain to hard and get a present. Some women do experience these though. Don't be ashamed if you do. My advice: Increase fiber intake and fluids to avoid them. Also, if you do develop hemorroids, I hear preparation H pads and cream work wonders. 11. Topsy Turvy--One side effect that I experienced is a bit of an uncommon one. It is called prolapse. This is where there is a split in the uterine wall that causes your internal organs to bulge through the opening. In my case, my bladder was trying to escape my v-jay. It was awkward and scary more than anything else. If you experience this, call your doctor. That is my advice. Minor prolapse is treated by doing pelvic floor strengthening exercise, but more serious prolapse requires surgery. I do not write this blog to scare the bejeezus out of you. I write this because, these are things that I think women should know before giving birth. Maybe birthing classes should cover it, but by then your are already committed. I hope that this is helpful to anyone preparing to give birth. Sometimes, the unexpected is scarier than reality. If you know what to expect, maybe there will be less angst in the process.