A case of the messies.

Before I got married and had kids, I decorated my house in country decor with a hint of museum. My goal was to make my house look as if no one was living in it. I suppose this was due to my obsessive, compulsive, perfectionistic tendencies. Or maybe it was based on my intense fear of being judged. Perhaps it was motivated by my strong desire to look as if I "had it together". I was the type of person that, had I had a maid, I would have cleaned my house before she got there so that she wouldn't think I was a slob.
I have to say that my son, Logan, who is also a bit "neat" was a breath of fresh air. He didn't like to get dirty, and I didn't like him to get dirty. I believe, now, that God was simply breaking me in to parenting before introducing me to Taz. My second son, Gavin, is the complete opposite of Logan. Everything he does is with gusto. He is as messy as messy can be. Even something as simple as eating breakfast is a full body experience.
The thing is, Gavin is teaching me something. The housework is always there when I need it. It will never go away, but my kids will get older. These opportunities to play and experience things for the first time will fade before I can blink. Gavin has taught me to seize the opportunities that are in front of me and set aside some of my social fears. That's not to say that I don't struggle with the fact that my house is a wreck compared to years gone by, but I am releasing myself from some of the angst associated with it. It is a hard lesson for this OCD-AP (analysis paralysis) mom to learn, regardless, I am slowly coming on board.

Not Sorry

Many of us start our blogs with an apology over why we haven't written in our blogs. I am not sorry. I have been busy. My life as a working mother of two no longer has room for unnecessary and unappreciated apologies.
If that offends you...I'm sorry?! LOL.
That said, life lately has been a little busier than usual. After several breakdowns, doctor's visits, and what seemed like endless baby blues, Aric and I finally decided to take things into our own hands. We joined the gym. I realized that the only time in my life where I felt completely comfortable in my own skin was when I was thinner. This is not a weight thing. I had more energy when I was eating right and exercising regularly. So far, I have been to the gym 7 times in 11 days. I plan to go today. The gym has childcare. It's not the greatest, or the most economical, but it is necessary for my wellbeing. As for the diet, well, that will come. We are paying more attention to what we are eating. We have had salads for dinner several times this week. It is not where I want to be, but it will come with time. I don't want to push my family beyond their capabilities.
That is the other realization. Some of us spend so much time worrying about the well being and or opinion of others that we stop thinking about our own needs. I have been neglecting myself for the sake of others. I know that sounds selfish, but what I determined is that sacrificing myself doesn't help anyone. Even if I give my all to my kids, my husband, my family, my work, etc. That sacrifice is meaningless, if I have nothing to give.
That's not to say, 'I'm checking out.' I'm simply saying that I am learning to self-advocate. I can't push myself to the brink of disaster for the sake of being a good mom. No one gains anything if I look at my daily tasks as a chore rather than an act of love. I am hopeful with this new path of thinking and excited about the months to come. My goal is to lose 2 pant sizes by Gavin's 2nd birthday. It's a good goal. We'll see what happens.