I suffer from Postpartum depression. I don't know how long I will continue to be medicated for this. It is a whole new phenomenon for me. I have always considered myself a driven, multifunctioning individual. One day, however, I was sitting at my father's house listening to my "step-mom" and aunt talking about how completely foreign and/or selfish PPD is, and I wanted to scream at them. My aunt was unable to have children of her own and was begrudging the fact that women would want to hurt themselves, or their babies. PPD is much more complicated than that.
I never had feelings of hurting my baby. That's not how my PPD manifested itself. I became extremely irritable, completely overwhelmed, and flighty. I began to jump into hysterics over simple things. The sound of the baby crying made me want to slam my head against the wall. I didn't want to get up to feed the baby. I just wanted to cover my head and make him go away. I didn't, of course. I took care of my baby, and still do, the best I could. I loved and nurtured him. I did everything I could to help encourage a bond between us. I did all the right things, but inside,
I was dying.
Sitting in my father's house that day, though, I realized I was in trouble. I couldn't live in this bubble of denial anymore. I also realized that there is no shame in this disorder, which is completely chemical. I didn't call this on myself, and I wasn't encouraging it to stay. In fact, I needed to do everything I could to get through this with a healthy relationship to my kids. I also realized that, as with many things, unless you have been personally touched by this, you will never understand the intense, overpowering nature this disorder has.
My son is a year and a half old, and while I still have some complications of this disorder, I feel as if most days I am on the mend. If you want more information regarding this disorder, see the website below. It is very informative.
