My hero

On Sunday, we had to take Logan in for a sleep study. Logan was such a trooper.

I don't know how anyone could sleep with all of this stuff on them. Even seeing these pictures makes me want to cry. We have been practicing sleeping with the nasal canula all week, but no amount of practice could prepare him for this sort of torture. I had to hold him down while they attached the electrodes. He cried and trembled in fear. The worst was the look of betrayal that swept across his face. I could see the question written in his eyes, "Why are you letting him do this to me?"

I wanted to tell him that it was for his own good. I wanted to tell him that the doctor was just trying to help. He is two years and 7 months old. He wouldn't understand any of that logic. Instead, I tried to distract him and reassure him that everything was going to be ok. We sang the ABC song. Or rather, I sang it while Logan waled it. He loves the ABCs and is particularly fond of the ABC song. He didn't want to miss out on singing it, but at the same time, he wanted the world to know that he was in anquish. It's heartbreaking.

I hate seeing my son go through this. I often wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have a child who needed extra medical care. When people ask me how I do it, I usually tell them, 'you just do what you have to do and sort it out later.' I know the Lord never gives us more than we can handle, but I sometimes feel he's got me mixed up with someone else. Surely, he has this life set for someone else.

I try not to be discouraged. I try not to be ungrateful. I know it could be much worse. I guess, maybe, the many sleepless nights are starting to catch up with me. I feel a little worn out. When I start to feel run down, I just think of my son who is actually enduring all of this. He is my hero.

Loss

My friend Rebekah posed an interesting question today. She asked, "In what ways are you teaching your kids that God allows bad things to happen? That sometimes we don't always understand his plan for us, but that he always has a plan?"

My reply was this, "We haven't really gotten into the thick of this lesson yet, but I think we will encounter it before I am ready. Right now, we are still in the phase of, even though you use your words, the answer is sometimes no. I still struggle with this one, as an adult. I prayed about it, God should say yes, right?!" Of course, I made that last comment tongue in cheek. I realize that sometimes God answers us with a no, and it is for our own good. Thankfully, God doesn't always answer yes. Unfortunately, in our own selfishness, we don't always ask the right questions. To get back to the original question though. It is something that I have been struggling with.

My boys have an awesome relationship with my parents. In fact, I find myself with a tinge of jealousy sometimes when I watch my boys interact and play with my mother. She watches them 3 days a week, while I work. Their bond is precious. The thing that breaks my heart the most is that both my parents have failing health. My dad is living in a nursing home right now, and my Mom, while still very active, is slowly declining due to Multiple Sclerosis. Every day I notice a little more wear in corners of her countenance. She is dealing with the same loss as me. Her parents are 90 and 89.

In my selfishness, I want to hang on to my parents and grandparents for as long as possible. My desire is for my parents to watch my boys grow up and to become respectable, godly young men. Reality is, I will be, probably in the next few years, dealing with several sets of loss. I try not to think about it. In fact, I push it away every time it creeps into my mind. I don't want to deal with the hurt and confusion it will cause my kids. Ultimately, I don't want to address Rebekah's question. I guess it is because I can't think of a good answer. I can give them the Romans 8 account of suffering vs glory. I can tell them how even Jesus suffered and he was blameless. At their ages, they will not be able to comprehend how this makes up for the loss.

I try to remember that our time here are earth is fleeting and that we all face trials and hardship here on earth. The two year old in me wants to stand and wail at the top of my lungs. The 8 year old in me wants to stomp my foot and say it isn't fair. The teenager in me wants to crumble into a ball and say, "Why, me?" The mother wants to shield my children from all the hurt. In the end, I am not sure who wins, but the question will have to be answered.