Reality

April 23, 2009

What is normal? Every human being who has ever breathed has at one point analyzed this question. If you hadn’t before now, you just did. I have been thinking a lot about this question and what it means in my life. The piece of this question that has been baffling me, as of late, is that everybody’s “normal” or “reality” is altered moment by moment.
I digress. Ten years ago two boys walked into their school in ....Colorado.... and opened up a festival of gun fire, killing more than a dozen people. Just a year earlier, there was a similar tragedy with fewer victims in ....Oregon..... The moment these boys put their toes on these campuses, the reality of every person in and around those schools that day changed forever. These people entered a reality that had to somehow include these shootings and loss.
Part of the grieving process is adjusting to a new reality. My good friend Erika died last year on ..April 24, 2008.. unexpectedly in her sleep. To my knowledge, they never did find out why. That morning, when her son Jon called me, my reality was altered. I had to move on with life without this vital person. Her death required me to adhere to a reality that now did not include one of the most important people in my life.
Several things shifted in my reality. One shift was that when I was overly stressed or overly happy about something, I could not pick up the phone and call or text her as I normally would. I had a choice to make in my grief. I could either choose someone else to help fill this significant gap, or I could turn inward and experience life on my own. This transfer was grueling. I can’t recall how many times I picked up the phone to call her only to realize I couldn’t.
One other modification is that I no longer am stunned when someone abruptly exits my life, whether through death or otherwise. When my friend Susie, my cousin Lora, and my uncle Richard all passed away last year without warning, it became a little less shocking with each incidence. Death and loss has become part of my reality. Whether that is healthy or not is beside the point.
Thinking back on the Thurston and Columbine shootings, I wonder what kind of reality those people walked into. When I was going to school at LBCC, I met a girl who attended Thurston when the shootings happened. She had not been at school that day because the Seniors were scheduled to arrive later due to the fact that the underclassmen were doing scheduling that morning. I remember talking to her and being stunned by her annoyance toward the staff at Thurston after the shooting. Apparently, the staff was so consumed by the tragedy that occurred, they were not very sympathetic or helpful to those students that who were trying to move on with their lives and get on with graduation. This student had been affected by the tragedy, but in a way that was overlooked. I had assumed, as an outsider, that all of the staff and students would walk around in fear, moping over their loss. Not everyone’s reality was altered that way.
As I think on this, and on the fact that they are testing my son for Leukemia (see my bulletin), I wonder what my new reality is going to be. Will it be a reality that is riddled with fear and loss, or one with close calls and triumphs? Soon, the realities of today will fade away, but yet a distant memory.

What is your reality?

Pregnancy, Parenting, and Life

I haven't written anything in a while because, quite frankly, I have been too busy trying to cope with life to even think about it. Today marks 33 weeks and 6 days pregnant. If you'd have asked me at week 20, I would have thought that I would never make it this far. It is hard to believe that I have just over 6 weeks left. At least that is the timeline I have been given.

This pregnancy has been a bit of a whirlwind. Between running after my nearly 18 month old son, dealing with a dislocated pelvis, and being severely anemic, I really haven't had much time or energy to deal with anything else. As I etch closer to D day (delivery day), my fear and anxiety is starting to get to me a little. First there is the impending realization that we have yet to do anything to prepare for this baby. Ok, that's not fair, we did bring the baby clothes out of the garage and set them, still in their rubbermaid containers, in the baby's room. Second is the realization that not only will I be a mother, but I will be a mother to two boys. When I got pregnant, I was sure I wanted boys. They're easier, right? That's what everyone keeps telling me. In some ways I think this will be true. I won't have to go prom dress shopping. I won't have to be the main support or planner of my sons' weddings. I, hopefully, won't have the drama of my child yelling "you're ruining my life" at me when I put my foot down.

I think to myself, 'yes, this will be easier', and then reality strikes. First, boys equal rough energy. Already at his fresh age Logan emits this intoxicating, overwhelming, bubble of raw energy. It is not just perpetual motion I am talking about either, it is this rough and tumble gotta move, gotta pound, gotta explode energy. He is all boy. I am beginning to realize that no matter who you are or who (or what gender) your children are, parenting is never easy. There will always be those things that cause conflict, worry, and pain. On the other hand, there will be those moments of joy, heart warming, and laughter. Nothing warms the heart more than when your child makes it apparent that they want to be as close to you as possible and noone in the universe can be a subsitute.

All this being said, I am measuring 4 weeks early with this pregnancy and a small part of me hopes that this baby comes sooner rather than later. I can't wait to meet Mr. Gavin Eugene Angel and launch this journey together a little sooner.