Loss

My friend Rebekah posed an interesting question today. She asked, "In what ways are you teaching your kids that God allows bad things to happen? That sometimes we don't always understand his plan for us, but that he always has a plan?"

My reply was this, "We haven't really gotten into the thick of this lesson yet, but I think we will encounter it before I am ready. Right now, we are still in the phase of, even though you use your words, the answer is sometimes no. I still struggle with this one, as an adult. I prayed about it, God should say yes, right?!" Of course, I made that last comment tongue in cheek. I realize that sometimes God answers us with a no, and it is for our own good. Thankfully, God doesn't always answer yes. Unfortunately, in our own selfishness, we don't always ask the right questions. To get back to the original question though. It is something that I have been struggling with.

My boys have an awesome relationship with my parents. In fact, I find myself with a tinge of jealousy sometimes when I watch my boys interact and play with my mother. She watches them 3 days a week, while I work. Their bond is precious. The thing that breaks my heart the most is that both my parents have failing health. My dad is living in a nursing home right now, and my Mom, while still very active, is slowly declining due to Multiple Sclerosis. Every day I notice a little more wear in corners of her countenance. She is dealing with the same loss as me. Her parents are 90 and 89.

In my selfishness, I want to hang on to my parents and grandparents for as long as possible. My desire is for my parents to watch my boys grow up and to become respectable, godly young men. Reality is, I will be, probably in the next few years, dealing with several sets of loss. I try not to think about it. In fact, I push it away every time it creeps into my mind. I don't want to deal with the hurt and confusion it will cause my kids. Ultimately, I don't want to address Rebekah's question. I guess it is because I can't think of a good answer. I can give them the Romans 8 account of suffering vs glory. I can tell them how even Jesus suffered and he was blameless. At their ages, they will not be able to comprehend how this makes up for the loss.

I try to remember that our time here are earth is fleeting and that we all face trials and hardship here on earth. The two year old in me wants to stand and wail at the top of my lungs. The 8 year old in me wants to stomp my foot and say it isn't fair. The teenager in me wants to crumble into a ball and say, "Why, me?" The mother wants to shield my children from all the hurt. In the end, I am not sure who wins, but the question will have to be answered.

Pregnancy, Parenting, and Life

I haven't written anything in a while because, quite frankly, I have been too busy trying to cope with life to even think about it. Today marks 33 weeks and 6 days pregnant. If you'd have asked me at week 20, I would have thought that I would never make it this far. It is hard to believe that I have just over 6 weeks left. At least that is the timeline I have been given.

This pregnancy has been a bit of a whirlwind. Between running after my nearly 18 month old son, dealing with a dislocated pelvis, and being severely anemic, I really haven't had much time or energy to deal with anything else. As I etch closer to D day (delivery day), my fear and anxiety is starting to get to me a little. First there is the impending realization that we have yet to do anything to prepare for this baby. Ok, that's not fair, we did bring the baby clothes out of the garage and set them, still in their rubbermaid containers, in the baby's room. Second is the realization that not only will I be a mother, but I will be a mother to two boys. When I got pregnant, I was sure I wanted boys. They're easier, right? That's what everyone keeps telling me. In some ways I think this will be true. I won't have to go prom dress shopping. I won't have to be the main support or planner of my sons' weddings. I, hopefully, won't have the drama of my child yelling "you're ruining my life" at me when I put my foot down.

I think to myself, 'yes, this will be easier', and then reality strikes. First, boys equal rough energy. Already at his fresh age Logan emits this intoxicating, overwhelming, bubble of raw energy. It is not just perpetual motion I am talking about either, it is this rough and tumble gotta move, gotta pound, gotta explode energy. He is all boy. I am beginning to realize that no matter who you are or who (or what gender) your children are, parenting is never easy. There will always be those things that cause conflict, worry, and pain. On the other hand, there will be those moments of joy, heart warming, and laughter. Nothing warms the heart more than when your child makes it apparent that they want to be as close to you as possible and noone in the universe can be a subsitute.

All this being said, I am measuring 4 weeks early with this pregnancy and a small part of me hopes that this baby comes sooner rather than later. I can't wait to meet Mr. Gavin Eugene Angel and launch this journey together a little sooner.