Not Sorry

Many of us start our blogs with an apology over why we haven't written in our blogs. I am not sorry. I have been busy. My life as a working mother of two no longer has room for unnecessary and unappreciated apologies.
If that offends you...I'm sorry?! LOL.
That said, life lately has been a little busier than usual. After several breakdowns, doctor's visits, and what seemed like endless baby blues, Aric and I finally decided to take things into our own hands. We joined the gym. I realized that the only time in my life where I felt completely comfortable in my own skin was when I was thinner. This is not a weight thing. I had more energy when I was eating right and exercising regularly. So far, I have been to the gym 7 times in 11 days. I plan to go today. The gym has childcare. It's not the greatest, or the most economical, but it is necessary for my wellbeing. As for the diet, well, that will come. We are paying more attention to what we are eating. We have had salads for dinner several times this week. It is not where I want to be, but it will come with time. I don't want to push my family beyond their capabilities.
That is the other realization. Some of us spend so much time worrying about the well being and or opinion of others that we stop thinking about our own needs. I have been neglecting myself for the sake of others. I know that sounds selfish, but what I determined is that sacrificing myself doesn't help anyone. Even if I give my all to my kids, my husband, my family, my work, etc. That sacrifice is meaningless, if I have nothing to give.
That's not to say, 'I'm checking out.' I'm simply saying that I am learning to self-advocate. I can't push myself to the brink of disaster for the sake of being a good mom. No one gains anything if I look at my daily tasks as a chore rather than an act of love. I am hopeful with this new path of thinking and excited about the months to come. My goal is to lose 2 pant sizes by Gavin's 2nd birthday. It's a good goal. We'll see what happens.

PPD

I suffer from Postpartum depression. I don't know how long I will continue to be medicated for this. It is a whole new phenomenon for me. I have always considered myself a driven, multifunctioning individual. One day, however, I was sitting at my father's house listening to my "step-mom" and aunt talking about how completely foreign and/or selfish PPD is, and I wanted to scream at them. My aunt was unable to have children of her own and was begrudging the fact that women would want to hurt themselves, or their babies. PPD is much more complicated than that.

I never had feelings of hurting my baby. That's not how my PPD manifested itself. I became extremely irritable, completely overwhelmed, and flighty. I began to jump into hysterics over simple things. The sound of the baby crying made me want to slam my head against the wall. I didn't want to get up to feed the baby. I just wanted to cover my head and make him go away. I didn't, of course. I took care of my baby, and still do, the best I could. I loved and nurtured him. I did everything I could to help encourage a bond between us. I did all the right things, but inside,

I was dying.

Sitting in my father's house that day, though, I realized I was in trouble. I couldn't live in this bubble of denial anymore. I also realized that there is no shame in this disorder, which is completely chemical. I didn't call this on myself, and I wasn't encouraging it to stay. In fact, I needed to do everything I could to get through this with a healthy relationship to my kids. I also realized that, as with many things, unless you have been personally touched by this, you will never understand the intense, overpowering nature this disorder has.

My son is a year and a half old, and while I still have some complications of this disorder, I feel as if most days I am on the mend. If you want more information regarding this disorder, see the website below. It is very informative.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/postpartum-depression/DS00546